Love the one you're with

Hmmmm, pondering some things here.

This guy I've been seeing for a couple of months now is leaving in about six weeks. It's a relo for a new job. He told me about it on our first date. I went into this thing knowing that we only had a few weeks together. I kept talking about it very matter-of-factly and tried not to see any kind of future with him.

However, the more intimate you get with someone, the more you fall for them. The other night I looked at his sleeping face next to me and smiled and then said "Oh, Shit!" in my head. Shit, I'm falling for him. There's a chance the l-word could be applied, but I'm sure as hell not tempting fate and uttering it, even in the most academic sense. Crap, what now? I ask myself. How do I turn this off? What if I don't want to? What if we can somehow transcend the miles in some form or fashion? I know, I know, you can't. Long distance relationships never ever work -- and quite frankly, I'm not the long distance relationship type of girl. I like and need my man to be here with me now giving me the emotional and physical support and connection I desire. That's just me. So, where does this leave me?

Well, I'm trying to take it in stride, accept what life has to offer, and be thankful that I've found someone to spend at least this finite time with.

I like him -- no I don't -- yes I do. . .

Okay, maybe I like him. But then why do I keep picking him to pieces? Why do we fall for someone and then feel some need to disect them -- in an effort to find what's wrong because there must be something wrong?

I've met this great guy. He's tall, dark, handsome, sexy, respectful, delightful, delicious, smart, funny, successful, etc. And just when I'm happy thinking all this wonderful stuff about him, my brain does this thing -- it's thinks of something -- the one thing -- that's wrong. And it focuses in on it like a laser. And then it tries to find more. Even though I logically know that all humans are flawed and I, myself, am not perfect, why must I pick apart this beautiful man? Why do we do this?

It's getting annoying. Why can't I just revel in his wonderfulness and be happy? Am I crazy or is this just part of the process of dating?

What? Where? Huh?

Yeah, so it's been a little while since I last posted. I've been happily living life -- not all happy mind you . . . but I've been living my life, and from my vantage point, that's pretty happy no matter what's going on.

Before I left from whence I came, my therapist told me that no matter where I moved, my baggage would always find me, eventually. Well, it certainly has! Not in the obvious ways I thought -- but in the sly subtle ways that only life can utilize. With humour and a dash of irony. Who can live without irony?

Anyhow, I'm trying to figure out what I am going to say on this thing -- I thought I would say a lot, but privacy concerns have really taken hold and now I just don't know.

I thought there would be more typical LA stuff, but I just don't live around all of that - no loss! I would really hate to quote OC girls or Nicole Ritchie-isms as a hobby!

Anyhow, if anyone is still checking to see if I'm alive -- I am and at some point I will figure out what I can say. I guess I'm just too skiddish right now.

Star Trek Meets Monty Python

Feeling funny today :)

Wonderful

As I was watching LA Story for the zillionth time, I realized that this is the kind of love I want. Not some random hook-up or party-boy, but the kind of substance that knocks you off your feet. The swoon, the dizzy, the over-whelming need to be with them; the nausea, the butterflies, the inability to concentrate on anything else. The daydreaming, the wonder, the playful thoughts; the desire, the like, the love of everything that is them.

Does this exist? We have all felt it, but was it real? Was it just some figment of our over-active and needy imagination? Was it temporary? Does it fade? Or was it our own little brief love story playing out in our heads? Is this something for which we should wait and pine, or should we settle for what people tell us is real?

Isn’t the wonder wonderful? Yes, this is what I want.

Dog Days

On a lighter note, my doggie came to live with me last week. She stayed with my ex when I left to come to LA because my apartment was old and tiny and disgusting and she has allergies and some stress issues. So I missed her immensely counting the days until I could live with her again. She's acclimating nicely. She loves the balcony and sitting for hours in the sun breathing in the salty ocean air. She barks at a couple of dogs she's already decided she doesn't like. She has her favorite spots to tinkle and poo and she loves to piddle around and sniff everything she can on our walks. I took her to the beach the other day and let her just walk around out there. She's okay with the beach, but she's no "beach dog." She's more of a frou-frou city dog sans the little jackets and shoes because, let's face it, that's just sad. For the last few days I've been trying to get her to sit with me on the sofa and snuggle with me in bed like she used to but she was maintaining her distance sitting on the floor and sleeping at the foot of the bed. But last night all that changed; she spent the evening with me watching "The New Adventures of Old Christine" (every divorced woman's staple!) while sipping wine (also a staple!) and then she snuggled with me in bed. I was so happy. I woke up this morning to my old friend all bouncy and happy and prancing around in bed and doing that tiny growly thing she does when she wants me to get up and let her outside. She's just lovely and I am so happy to live with my friend again.

The Jack-Rabbit

AKA: Monkey-fucking, Jack-Hammering, Rabbit-fucking

BlueBabe was interviewed by Wombat on BlogTalk Radio tonight where she mentioned something that had me laughing til I cried. She talked about how an ex of hers would . . . sleep with her . . . in a ridiculously fast, repetitive, awful motion. I laughed because I'm intimately familiar with this as my ex-husband did this all the time. I tried to reposition him or shift or divert his attention, but like a monkey, he just kept on banging away. I would lie there looking up at the ceiling thinking, "WTF is this?! How does he think this is good? How can this be good?!"

Catty side-note: And with him, there wasn't even anything to feel when this was going on. We talked about it a few times and he honestly didn't know what I was talking about. Or he feigned ignorance or something. Anyhow, he kept on doing it. BlueBabe also talked about how even a bad relationship can be sustained with good sex -- well, there was no saving my marriage! No good sex, no good relationship, no nothin'!

Oh, thanks BlueBabe for making me laugh so hard! I'm sure I'll have to deal with that again, but at least it won't be with my ex ever again. Anyone else have this problem or a variant of it? Or just something ghastly you want to share? :)

Public Displays of Disaffection

Manhattan Pier, Wednesday, early afternoon. Crowd of people milling about so it was very public. Perfect. No weird moments; no awkward hugs.

My ex brought the last of my stuff to me all the way from Oregon. He didn't recognize me when he drove up and he kept staring at me when we were talking. I look much better without him! He loaded my car with my paintings and my dog's belongings. I held her so I wouldn't have to help. I hadn't seen her in three months and she looked and felt great. I was more interested in her than him. He was more interested in me than anything else.

Hilariously, a cute guy walked up to us, the dog and I, and chatted me up in front of him. Seriously, I couldn't have planned it if I tried. It was pricesless.

Once he got everything loaded into my car, I asked if he wanted to get lunch or take a walk on the pier. He didn't. He started to cry - sob, actually - and as he tried to speak, he just walked away. I got into the car and drove away, leaving him to console himself in his car.

He will likely never see me or our dog again. It is very sad. I am sad for him -- but not that sad. He is the one who wanted this after all . . . isn't he?

So, how have you broken up with your ex? What's that last meeting like? How do you get the rest of your stuff back? Oh, those darned loose ends!

Opera of Sex

Have you seen Tannhauser? If not, take a date to this opera -- it will get you laid. Luckily, I went with a female friend so it wasn't an issue, but holy cow, this was an amzing opera.

So, last night, four-inch heels, dressy black suit with a plunging neckline, glittery jewelry, and a glass of wine in my hand -- and every man over the age of 65 found me irresistable. Ah, yes -- I love the opera. I even got invited to join a feller in The Standard, room 610, but said no thank you. If he would have had some candy in his hand I just might have taken him up on it.

And if you believe that, I have some property for ya just west of the Santa Monica Pier. :)

Anyhow, it was a lovely evening with friends seeing one of the sexiest operas of my life. I've loved the music from this opera since I was a child, but I never knew why there were such thundering crescendos. :) I will never listen to it the same way again.

Mixed Signals

So, what signals are you sending out to men when this happens?

First, a sad homosexual/transexual gentleman found me funny, charming, delightful, and then he fell in love with me. He professed his desire to be with me while I was at work where I maintained my professional demeanor and told him to go back to his lover and reinvigorate their love life. He's also a TMI kind of guy, so I already know way too much about him.

Second, a married man fell head over heals for me. He walked behind me, stood by me, stared at me from across the room/office, listened to my conversations, and gave me quite a bouquet of flowers, and brought me food. Then he showed me a folder of photos of his cars and home. Did he find me attractive because I'm cute? Young? Was it my fine ass? (he did always follow me and hold the door for me!) Or was I putting out some kind of signal to him that this was something I would consider? Or is he just an arrogant ass?

What manifestions am I creating for this to happen in a two-week span of time? These are only two examples of the things I've been dealing with lately. One friend suggested that I was manifesting an aura, if you will, of wanting to be found attractive, but also not looking for attachment -- therefore, getting the tranny and the married man to find me so endearing.

It's true that I'm not sure what I want right now. I'm just coming out of a marriage and I'm not exactly looking for a replacment but I haven't exactly taken myself off the market. Basically, I think you may want to avoid me since I'm very likely fraught with complications. ~grins~

I don't know, I think the situations are separate, myself. I think that the tranny is a sad individual who doesn't get a lot of attention. And I think the married man is an ass who saw something cute and wanted a piece of it (literally).

Oh, and a sidenote: please tell me why men feel the need to show you a portfolio of photos of their house, car, friends, and family -- is this to demonstrate that they have family and friends and a car or house? Why do men keep showing me their portfolios? (Indy, I am hoping for a response from you on this one!)

Life is good

What is happiness? Is it the perfect job? Is it the perfect apartment? Is it finally living with your best friend again? Is it good friends and lovely family? Is it fitting into that size 4 again?

What about the peace of doing anything you want without someone else disapproving of it in some way? Using either sink in the bathroom? Eating strange combinations of food for dinner? Not having dinner at all? Sleeping diagonally across your bed? Not consulting someone else's opinion before buying furniture?

Are these things happiness? Or are they just the manifestions of my peaceful and content mind? I know life is difficult and that there are always ups and downs -- but I also know that the contentment I feel right now is cherished and appreciated to a point of near ecstasy.

Happyness

What's the happiest you've ever been?

I'm that happy now.

My job is wonderful, blissful, delightful (the list goes on). I get to do the coolest things ever and get paid for it-- amazing! In a few days some loose ends are going to tie-up that will make my life much, much better. I was able to cook dinner tonight (thanks M) so I ate my own food in my own house for the first time since I moved here. And I will move to my new (did I say "new"?) apartment shortly.

Ahhhh, life is good.

where I live

tenement: "a rundown apartment house barely meeting minimal standards."

2006 Year-end Review (thanks Indy!)

What did you do in 2006 that you hadn't done before?
Everything! 2006 was the year of new experiences – some quite unpleasant and some delightful.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
No.

Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?
Let's see, lots of trips to Cannon Beach for my sanity. Best memory there is walking the beach alone, literally alone, for miles and then lying in the sand and just staring up at the sky wasting time. Also New Orleans, which was an amazing, lovely city with great music and people. Spending time in Dallas getting to know my alarmingly intelligent and beautiful niece. And my trip to LA, which prompted me to move here.

Best thing you bought?
The movie LA Story at Tower Records on Sunset; lots of tequila shots; waxing; my Jonathon Adler vases; music, music, music . . . the list can go on.

Where did most of your money go?
Waiting.

What do you wish you had done more of?
Laughed.

What do you wish you had done less of?
Cried.

What kept you sane?
Hiking in the forest in Oregon. When the rain came, the sanity went out the window and I had to leave.

What drove you mad?
Uh, getting a divorce and living with my ex while trying to sell the house. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

What made you celebrate?
Having the strength to leave.

What made you sad?
Needing to leave.

How was your birthday this year?
Wonderful – I spent the weekend on the coast and just chilled out and hiked.

What political issue stirred you the most this year?
Everything that has to do with George W. Bush and his right-wing bat-shit nut-jobs.

Were you in love in 2006?
Sadly, no.

What would you like to have in 2007 that you didn't have this year?
More stability, fun, excitement, laughs, and sunshine.

What date from 2006 will be etched in your memory and why?
There are a few . . . good and bad dates, but etched nonetheless.

What song will remind you of 2006?
Inside Job – Pearl Jam; Skin & Bones – Foo Fighters; Morning Yearning – Ben Harper; Upside Down – Jack Johnson; Tell Me Baby – RHCP; The Pot - Tool

Compared to this time last year are you happier?
OhMyGodYes!

Biggest achievement this year?
Everything!

Biggest disappointment this year?
The ex-husband.

What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
Selling the loft sooner.

Best new person you met this year?
My confidante and styling guru who basically lived my life, only two years ago, and who helped me so much I can hardly believe it.

A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
That I don't have to put up with anyone's shit because I am worth more than that.

Signs

Do you believe that there are signs that show us what to do and how to act or are we just interpretting everyday things as signs so we can justify our actions??? I know, short post, but I'm curious. :)