Urge for crying

This morning I awoke to a beautiful day. I'm in my new apartmentand I'm slowly moving my stuff in and making it mine. However, I've been on the verge of tears for days now. I stifled them for awhile because I didn't want to mess up my make-up and puff my eyes. Then my excuse was that i had too much to do to cry. Then I had to drive to California. Then I had to deal with the movers, etc. But at some point, the excuses are irrelevant and you just need to break down and cry. I tried to cry last night, but the tears just would not come. This morning I watched the SG-1 episode where Janet Fraser was killed. Then in doubt, watch tv. I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. It's a good episode, but not that good! These were tears of sadness over the end of my marriage, the end of an era, the loss of safety, security, and stability, and the loss of a best friend. I cry for all of these reasons and more. And I cry for the future -- will I find a job? That I like? Will I fall in love? Will I be alone? Am I too old? Am I damaged goods? Will anyone love me again? Have I ever been loved? There are many reasons to cry and there is a definite need to cry. But I have to balance it and I must cry when I need to -- not all the time.